Family Guy, Great for your Marriage?!

This is a guest blog I did for a friend of mine.  Thought you guys might enjoy it!

One of my guilty pleasures in life is a little show called Family Guy.  Yes, I know it’s crude, politically incorrect, and raunchy; but it is also one of the funniest and most entertaining shows out there.  Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I only treat myself to watching Family Guy once the kiddos are asleep.  On one of the episodes of Family Guy, Stewie, the evil genius baby, creates a clone of himself to take care of all of his unpleasant tasks.  Stewie instructs his slack jawed and unintelligent clone to go to birthday parties, wash his back and do other menial tasks for him.  It is bliss for Stewie, but all good things must come to an end, and in this case Clone Stew dissolves into a puddle of blood and guts on the kitchen floor. 

The show got me thinking how I would utilize a clone of myself. (Indulge me here, it was 2 am and I couldn’t sleep)  Imagine the possibilities.  Those mornings where I lie in bed and try to reason with myself that the kids would be okay without breakfast.  I mean lunch is only a few hours away and they can deal with a growling stomach for a few hours while I sleep in, right?!  Or the times the baby craps in the tub and you have to play chase the turd with a plastic cup.  How incredibly awesome would it be to ring a bell or shoot a text to your clone to get their rear ends in there.  How about those nights where you want to go on a mom’s night out and there is no babysitter?  Who better to watch the kids than well, you?  When you returned home, the house would be cleaned to your liking, the kids in bed, the DVR would have been set to record your favorite shows, and to be honest the hubby would have been satisfied if it was one of his frisky nights.  Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but this is my fantasy. 

What would the Real Me be doing while Clone Me was doing all my work.  To be honest, I’d gain about 30lbs, watch marathons of Billy the Exterminator and Gene Simmons Family Jewels, knit, eat, read, eat some more, and have many uninterrupted potty breaks.  Then I got to thinking about all the things I would be missing out on.  I would miss out on the magical laughs my baby makes when I am chasing the turds in the tub.  I wouldn’t see their faces light up, or hear them say I’m the best mama in whole world when I’ve surprised them with French toast for breakfast that morning.  It’s a slippery slope and jealousy would take an ugly toll. Before I knew it I would be plotting a murder of my clone.  And yes, I’m ashamed to admit that I would have them dig their own hole first. 

While writing this my husband commented that I should be ashamed.  My clone would be a slave and slavery ended a long, long time ago.  I looked up at him in astonishment and let it fly.  The clone would be doing the same things I do everyday for him and the kids.  He had the decency to look a tad apologetic.  This fantasy about having a clone benefited me.  I gave my husband a list of things that I would have the clone do in a day’s time and he in turn gave me his list of clone work.  We sat down and divided up tasks to make each other’s lives a little easier.  He took exception to me pimping my clone out for him, but I think he’s willing to take what he can get.  This should be an exercise used in marriage counseling all across the country, the list making, not the pimping.  It really made us talk about the areas where we felt we needed help.  There were things my husband had no idea about, and was more than willing to roll up his sleeves to help out, and vice versa.  I’m not saying that the added assistance will last long, but it is definitely nice right now.  Who needs a clone when they have a fantastic husband like mine.  So, thank you Family Guy, for enriching my marriage.  Who would have thought it?

Ewe's Not Fat, Ewe's Fluffy!

I will never understand the fascination and satisfaction that some people have regarding other's weight.  When I was heavier I heard the occasional, "You're pretty, but you'd be gorgeous if you lost some of your weight. "  or "You can tell you haven't missed many meals."  and my personal favorite of "When you get your mind right about losing weight, then let me know. We CAN do this together!"  The last was always said by someone who weighed the equivalent of my right leg, and what do they mean by we?  Do they have a french mouse in their pocket?  Enough already!  We all have mirrors!  Do they really think we don't know what we look like?!

We are all beautiful.  Fat, thin, muscular, soft.   I thought Peer Pressure would be gone when high school and college was over, but that is simply not true.  To be honest, I hear more now than I ever did then.  I hate the stigma of "You're fat, because you are lazy.  You can do something about it if you just tried."  I can tell you right now, that it is simply not true.  I did the identical thing 10 months ago that I am doing now and I lost NOTHING!  I assume it had to do it with breastfeeding my son.  Regardless, something changed that enabled me to lose weight.  There are simply many factors that go into weight loss or weight gain for that matter.

I crack up by some of the excuses I hear from people who want to lose weight.  Instead of mocking their excuses, I'm thinking "Why are you worried what I or anyone else thinks?!"  I too am guilty of this very thing.  I shouldn't care that John Smith is staring at my back rolls (and yes, they do exist, I was convinced this was a SNIPE story until I looked into a full length mirror and fell down the rabbit hole)  I shouldn't be more appalled that a roll is shining while nursing, than the fact that my right tit is hanging out for God and everyone to see.  Yeah, you read that right, I'd rather my boobies be seen than my meat rings any day!  This is what society has turned us into.  I've had 3 kids in 6 years, I have earned the right to be voluptuous by golly. 

We all have that "friend" who is more than happy to point out any and all problem areas.  The "friend" who refuses to toss a compliment your way.  I don't know if it's because they themselves are miserable, or simply because they truly don't see a change in their eyes.  I used to think you needed to avoid these people at all costs while trying to lose weight, but now I think we should be around those naysayers.  If you can wring a compliment out of one of them, then hell, that should keep you going for a month!

In conclusion, all of you reading this are beautiful!  Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. 

I'll leave you with some of my fave dieting quotes...

THOSE WHO GET TOO BIG FOR THEIR BRITCHES, WILL BE EXPOSED IN THE END.


THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT BEFORE BREAKFAST: (LUNCH AND DINNER).


IT'S NOT THE MINUTES SPENT AT THE TABLE THAT PUT ON WEIGHT, IT'S THE SECONDS.


I WAS MEANT TO BE THIN... BUT GOD SEWED ME UP WRONG.



Q: What do you call a person on a diet who loses twenty-five pounds in just one month?
A: A liar.        --Daniel Worona

All Things Creepy and Crawling....(A tad racy, so be forewarned)

Why is it the moment you want to be alone with your husband, a magical buzzer goes off for your children?  While there have been times in the past that I was doing a river dance when that happened, it's getting old now, real old.  I mean, I get to make him work for it now.  Mama gets a massage, hair brushed, my feet rubbed etc.( and the etc. is always so much fun ;) and the little rats are making London's Bridge fall down.  Now it's, hurry before they start knocking!  Don't worry about taking your shirt off, is that the nursing bra????  Snap, Snap.  You can forget about any kissing.  Evalee once told us, " I know what you guys are doing in there with the door locked, KISSING."  Brandon responds with a suave, "Honey, we don't have time for that." Seriously?!

WHERE DID THE ROMANCE GO?!  The minute Mommy and Daddy time is over it's back to Where's my pants?  Evalee has locked Graham out of the house, AGAIN!  Isaac stop looking at me like that you little *&^% block. (Because we all know how it is when you are nursing a baby.  I may as well have bought a saddle.)  Or my personal favorite of jumping in the shower to finish getting ready for the day.  I'm thinking, "Yes! Here comes my back washing and scalp massage."  Instead I get the good old farts that sound like a duck has taken up residence in our bathroom.  Don't get me wrong.  We still have that spark, but sometimes I want the fireworks stand like the good old days.  Just 30 minutes of children who want to pretend to be mimes.  Is that asking too much?  Or just long enough for us to be Brandon and Rachel and not Mom and Dad. 

I guess this is payback for all the times I woke a sleeping baby to get out of sex.  So, to those of you without children or have only one, enjoy these times.  Have naked Thursdays and let it all hang out, because like Gloria Estefan says, "One day the rhythm is going to get you.....pregnant.....again."

Tilling the Field

This is my first experience with writing a blog, so bear with me please.  I've read many blogs by both friends and people that I simply enjoy to stalk.  Kidding, well kind of. Anyway, I plan to share some of my wisdom, hah, on motherhood, marriage, friendship and also indulge in the occasional rant of pure randomness. I hope this will be a therapeutic way to clear my head and stop the voices.

 The only way I know to start is at the beginning (for some reason this came out in Forrest Gump's voice).  I was born on December 14, 1984 to Mark and Kathy Thomason.  I am the very definition of a Sagitarius; impatient, fun, optimist, good natured, loving, fears responsibility, and my personal favorite, disliker of tight clothes and spaces.  It's true, I have it cross stitched into a pillow, and to think everyone thought it was because I hated for my rolls to be showcased in a snug AE shirt. Shows them.

 I had an older brother, Shane, who passed away in 1999, a little sister, Rebecca, and a slew of relatives in prison or on the lam.  I was raised by my father from the age of 12, and with the help of my hilarious and loving Nana, they did a pretty bang up job.  I married my best friend and neighbor, Brandon Dill.  I won't go into much with this since I plan on doing quite a few posts about him, but he is without a doubt the man God intended me to be with.  I love him dearly, thank God for him frequently, and on occasion want to slash his tires for being a total ass. But hey, I'm sure he'd do the same to me if it didn't mean he'd be the one paying to fix them.  We have 3 incredible children.  I always love them, may not always like them, but always love them.  Evalee is 6, Graham is 3 1/2 (Heaven help me) and Isaac is 15 months.  They make my life complete and I truly could not imagine my life without them or their father in it.  Dreams of being married to Jensen Ackles and living in Ireland don't count!  I'm a homeschooling mommy, bless them.  Mostly, I hope that I don't warp their minds too badly that they turn into serial killers.  Anything is better than being a serial killer, even telemarketing.

I have friends that people write about.  My best friend, Melissa is one of a kind and will have a starring role in many posts I'm sure.  They are always there to support me, love me, make fun of me, or shove me.  I am truly blessed. 

I think that's it for now.  My next post will be more on one topic.  I'm going to do my best to not let my ADHD get too out of hand and veer off into left field.  Hope you enjoy reading The Rings of a Dill Tree.